In honor of political correctness, this month instead of the Rabbi’s Message we will feature a guest column from the honorable Mr. Haman Haagagi of Iran.
It has been brought to my attention that on March 20 of this year 2016, your congregation Bellerose Jewish Center, “Congregation Makom Simcha /A Place of Joy,” will be holding a pre-Purim celebration called Super Musical Feast and Festival at the Madras Woodlands Kosher Indian Restaurant in New Hyde Park. It is clear that all who will participate will enjoy a wonderful and memorable time and leave this event with smiles on their faces. This is very unfortunate.
I am certain that you must be very surprised to be hearing from me. According to your “Book of Esther,” I was hanged many centuries ago. However, what actually took place is, as I was about to be hanged, I was accidentally dropped into a giant vat of pistachio ice cream and I was cryogenically frozen in suspended animation until I was recently discovered by the Supreme Leader’s chief lackey when he went to bring some ice cream to his boss for a midnight snack. Finding a frozen ancient Persian in the Halal dessert supply was quite a surprise I’m sure. However, I was quickly defrosted and revived and following a lengthy conversation with the Supreme Leader concerning various Zionist plots and the wickedness of Jews in general, I was offered a position as a top advisor to the great Ayatollah, following my immediate conversion to Islam and a briefing on Iran’s fine efforts to hoodwink the West while developing a nuclear weapon. One thing I won’t have to worry about with my current boss is that unlike my former boss, King Achashveroush, he is unlikely to marry some meddlesome Jewess.
I feel it is my obligation to persuade you to not participate in this celebratory event. Are you aware that your holiday of Purim celebrates the evil plotting and machinations of racist Zionists like the Capitalist warmonger Mordechai? Recently, following our most recent “Death to America and Israel” rally, I instructed our Iranian member to bring up issues concerning your holiday before the United Nations Human Rights Commission. This fair and honorable body has found that your holiday and any celebration connected to it, even if not on the actual date of the holiday, is Zionist aggression against the peaceful Islamic Republic of Iran (Persia).
I have also recently met with various organizations on college campuses and even the fine members of the “J Street” organization in the United States and have found much support for my position. Do you realize that your Megillah recounts the efforts of the Jews to arm themselves and take action against those who would kill them? I’m sure you realize that in today’s terms this would amount to “gun violence” and would appear to be an endorsement of the NRA. It is important to note that any Jewish celebration that doesn’t celebrate aspirations of the noble and peaceful Palestinian people is in the least a “microaggression” against Palestinians and more likely a valid reason for resistance (what you Jews call terrorism, stabbings, fire bombing, and vehicular attacks). The least you could do would be to place a large banner on your event proclaiming your allegiance with the cause of the BDS movement and pledge to boycott the racist Zionist occupier and not purchase any Israeli products.
I am sure that I have convinced you to not enjoy or participate in the Super Musical Feast and Festival on March 20. Your boycotting this racist event will help to strengthen our noble cause.
your friend Haman